


The Present Past

by Flynne



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/F, Silla Ryder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:32:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flynne/pseuds/Flynne
Summary: Silla thought she'd left everything behind her when she set out for Andromeda, but there are things that have followed her 600 years through dark space.





	The Present Past

**Author's Note:**

> Silla is Thaddeus Ryder's twin. I played through Andromeda as both twins, and this story is from Silla's turn at being Pathfinder.

Inhale four steps. Exhale two. Inhale four. Exhale two. In, two, three, four. Out, two. In, two, three, four. Out, two.

Silla let her surroundings blur and fade, focusing on the flow of breath in and out of her chest and the steady pounding of her feet on the treadmill. She’d been running for a while, but she’d deliberately draped a towel over the treadmill’s display and she’d lost track of time. 

In, two, three, four. Out, two. 

The longer she ran, the longer she counted, the longer it would be before she had to face everything from the Milky Way that had somehow chased her 600 years across dark space.

_ Elizabeth Reilly. Ellen Ryder. _

A disorienting rush of joy and grief swirled through her, followed by a hot pulse of anger. She gave her head a sharp little shake, emptying her mind, and swiped her hand across her forehead to brush aside her sweaty bangs. 

_ “Silla, if I may, you have been running for one hundred and seventeen minutes. I would suggest -”  _

But Silla cut him off before he could finish. “Not now, SAM.” The words escaped on a harsh breath through clenched teeth. She looked straight ahead, noticing nothing, turning her gaze inward, imagining her heart pumping, muscles flexing and extending, blood rushing as she ran.  

_ “Although you have remarkable endurance, you should not be sustaining this pace for so long. I recommend -” _

“Leave me alone!” The AI fell silent. Silla stubbornly quashed the pang of guilt she felt after speaking sharply to him. She sucked in a deep breath, hitting the button on the treadmill to nudge her speed up another notch. 

She regulated her breathing to keep up with her pace. In, two, three. Out, two. In, two, three. Out, two.

She wished she could actually be planetside, running in the free air instead of pounding on a treadmill, but this was all she had. She wished she could be away from the  _ Hyperion _ , away from her father’s secrets, away from the game he’d made her play, away from her mother - 

The painful wrench in her chest made her miss a step. The toe of her running shoe scuffed on the treadmill. She stumbled, tripped, fell. Her pounding heart gave a great leap as she reached for the railing and missed - 

An arm shot out and caught her around the waist, hauling her away from the whirring belt. The impact felt like hitting an iron bar and the air rushed out of her, leaving her dizzy and wheezing, but the arm didn’t let her fall. “Hey, whoa! Take it easy, I’ve got you.”

Silla sagged against Vetra’s hold, gripping her forearm with sweat-slick palms as her feet dangled a foot and a half off the ground. Vetra took a few steps away to set her down, but had to catch her immediately as her shaking knees buckled and she fell again. “Silla? SAM, do we need Lexi?” Vetra spoke quietly, but concern made her voice sharp. 

Silla shook her head at the same time SAM replied,  _ “No, Vetra. The Pathfinder is not in danger. She has merely overexerted herself.” _

“I’m fine,” Silla managed to say between gasps. “I just tripped.” She tried to extract herself from Vetra’s hold. 

“You’re not going to be able to stand,” Vetra cautioned. She let her go, but stayed close - a decision that paid off when Silla swayed on her feet and had to make a grab at the handrail of the treadmill to keep from falling. Vetra drew alongside Silla again, speaking very softly as she asked, “Will you let me help you now?”

Silla took a shuddering breath and shut her eyes against the sudden sting of tears. Vetra waited until she saw her nod, then curled an arm around her ribs and began guiding her toward the door. Silla leaned heavily against her, shuffling forward on rubbery legs. The floor felt as if it were shifting beneath her feet like the treadmill belt, but the more steps she took, the easier it got. 

Vetra walked beside her as they made their way toward the  _ Hyperion’s  _ pathfinder quarters. Silla kept her eyes on her feet. Her sleeveless shirt was damp and quickly became uncomfortably chilly and clammy against her skin. “I’m getting sweat all over your jacket,” she mumbled. 

Vetra gave her a little squeeze. “I’ve had worse.” She kept supporting her until they reached the pathfinder quarters, then gently let her go. “Go on and get cleaned up,” she said, giving Silla’s shoulder a pat.

Silla went. 

Having her own bathroom on the  _ Hyperion  _ was a nice perk, but without Kallo’s override code for an unlimited supply of hot water, it wasn’t a perk she could take the time to enjoy. Even so, the privacy was welcome, and when tears welled up in her eyes again, she let them fall, mingling with the salt of her sweat as it swirled down the drain at her feet. 

Despite her quiet sobs, SAM remained tactfully silent. Over the past months, the AI had learned to make judgment calls as to whether or not his comments and attention would be welcome, and he was usually correct. At first, Silla had been a bit unnerved that an AI had come to know her so well, but now she was grateful that he was leaving her alone. She knew that part of the reason was because he didn’t know why she was upset - he knew what had caused the feelings, but he did not understand the root of them. But she was glad of the silence all the same.

She didn’t allow herself to cry long, taking deep breaths and swallowing the rest of her tears as she rinsed the last of the shampoo from her hair. Her shower was short, but even standing for the brief amount of time left her feeling shaky again. She was used to running, but she’d pushed herself far longer than she was used to and hadn’t brought water with her, and instead of the familiar post-exercise feeling of exertion, she felt drained and parched. SAM was aware of this too, she knew, but maintained his silence.

It was tempting to leave her sweaty clothes on the tile floor when she was done, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She gathered her dirty laundry, stuffed it into the hamper, and neatly hung up her towel. 

The warmth of her flannel pants and hooded sweatshirt were welcome in the  _ Hyperion’s  _ perpetually cool, dry air as she stepped out of the bathroom. Vetra sat half-reclined on the bed, propped up with pillows against the headboard with her long legs stretched out on top of the quilt. She set aside her datapad as Silla joined her, lifting her arm to wrap it around her. 

Silla curled against her, resting her head on Vetra’s stomach. She draped her arm across Vetra’s legs and held on tightly. Vetra’s taloned fingers combed gently through her damp hair, the light scratching soothing against her scalp. Only when the last of the tension had slipped from Silla’s shoulders did Vetra break the silence. “Mind telling me what this was about?” she asked.

Silla pushed herself up to sit cross-legged on the mattress, muscles feeling more quivery than ever as she straightened. In spite of her mood, she smiled a little when Vetra held out a water bottle. 

“My mom’s alive.” 

Vetra twitched. “...What? Your  _ mom? _ ” 

“Yeah.” Silla let out a long sigh, and in between sips of water told Vetra what she’d discovered - told her about the memories that SAM had slowly been unlocking in her mind, told her about the final piece of the puzzle that had fallen into place, revealing that one of the still-frozen sleeper pods contained Ellen Ryder, caught and suspended in the space between life and death like a fly in amber. 

“Oh. Wow.” Vetra slumped back against the pillows. 

“Yeah.” 

“Who else knows?” 

“Thad, SAM, and you.” Silla took another gulp of water, averting her eyes from Vetra’s uncertain gaze. It hurt to swallow past the knot in her chest. Saying her brother’s name had brought the memory of his face to the forefront of her mind: aghast, then brightening with stunned hope as he gazed on the pod that held their mother...then crumpling in rage and grief as he realized what it meant. 

“Silla.” Vetra reached out to brush her bangs off her face, bending a little to look into her eyes. “What’s going on? What’s wrong? This is your  _ mom. _ ” 

“I know!” Silla took a deep breath, deliberately restraining herself to speak quietly and calmly. “I know. And I should be happy. She’s alive. But, Vetra...this means my dad lied.  _ Again _ . To me, to Thad, to  _ Mom _ …” Her voice caught. “The last time Thad and I saw her, she was  _ dying _ . She’s only alive now because she’s in cryo. The moment she wakes up...” Burning tears spilled down her cheeks, and she couldn’t keep her voice steady any longer. “Don’t you get it? We had a  _ funeral _ for her, and then we left, we joined the initiative knowing we’d never be able to visit the shore where we scattered her ashes - Thad and I cried while my dad scattered  _ ashes _ \-  _ dammit _ , Dad, what was even in that urn?”

She bit off her own rambling and took a long breath, forced herself to be calm. “But all of that isn’t even the worst part. I saw my dad’s memories - I saw him talking to Mom when Thad and I weren’t there. She wouldn’t have wanted this. This isn’t what she asked him for - but if we wake her up, she’ll die - and now this is on us, this is on Thad and me to decide for her, because we can’t wake her up to ask her what she wants.”

“Hey. Hey, come here.” Vetra put a hand on her shoulder, tugging gently until Silla slumped against her again. She held her close, holding her still-damp head against her shoulder, waiting until Silla’s breathing became slow and even again before asking quietly, “How’s Thad?” 

“Not good.” Silla rubbed her eyes with her finger and thumb. “I stayed with him until he fell asleep. He still gets tired easily. I don’t like knowing he’ll wake up by himself, but he said he’d be fine. He won’t be, but he’ll handle it.” She sighed. “We’ll have to tell Harry soon. He can at least make sure she’s not taken out of cryo by mistake.”

Vetra held her a little tighter. “I’m sorry.” 

“You know what’s awful?” Silla asked, voice dull. “Mom’s the one I should be worrying about but I just keep thinking about myself. How Dad’s reputation was ruined back in the Milky Way, and how people looked at Thad and me the same way even though we had nothing to do with it. But it probably would have gone away eventually, at least for the two of us. Now he’s smuggled his supposedly-dead wife into cryo. Nobody is ever going to believe we didn’t know, too.”

“The people who matter will,” Vetra said firmly. 

Silla sighed wearily. “I want to stay angry. I  _ should _ be angry. But he saved me, Vetra. And... ” Back on Habitat 7, poisoned air searing her lungs as it stole her breath, her last disoriented thoughts had been gratitude that she wouldn’t die alone. It hadn’t occurred to her that Alec would sacrifice himself to save her. If she’d been asked, she would have said that she knew Alec loved her. He was her father. Of course he did. But only now did she realize how deeply he must have loved her; more than she knew, more than she’d loved him, and despite his lies and his mistakes, she wished she’d understood while he’d been alive. “He loved me,” she murmured. 

Vetra nuzzled against Silla’s temple. “Hold on to that. Your dad was wrong, and selfish, and there’s no excuse for what he did...but he did love you.” Silla leaned into the touch. She let Vetra hold her, leaning her head into the angular palm as her talons gently threaded through her hair again. 

“What if everyone forgets about her?”

The question was so soft that Vetra almost didn’t hear it. She stilled her movements and looked down at the top of Silla’s head. “What?”

“Mom. If...if we try to find a cure...but if we can’t...What happens when Thad and I are gone?”

“Hey...Silla, don’t…”

But Silla couldn’t keep her cold fear bottled up. She sat up, leaving the warm circle of Vetra’s arms. “What happens if nobody finds a cure, and everybody who knows about her is gone?”

_ “Silla.”  _ SAM broke his long silence, calmly but at high enough volume to speak over her.  _ “I will not forget your mother.” _

Silla caught her breath. 

_ “Although I cannot predict what will happen, if by some chance Ellen cannot be awakened from cryosleep during your lifetime, remember that I will still be here. I was created for Ellen, and although I could not accomplish what Alec wanted, I will still care for her in any way I can. She will not be forgotten.” _

Tears stung Silla’s tired eyes once more, and she bowed her head to keep them from falling. Gratitude and guilt dammed her words up in her throat, and it took a minute before she could speak. “Thank you, SAM,” she said in a small voice. “I’m...I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. I shouldn’t have taken everything out on you.”

_ “I did not take offense.” _ SAM spoke steadily as always, but there was an undeniable warmth in his tone as he replied. “ _ I was programmed to aid you as Pathfinder, but I have been granted free will, as much as is possible for me to have, and even if you were not the Pathfinder, I would still choose to be your friend. I am fond of you.” _

Against all odds, Silla found that she was smiling. “You’ve been a better friend to me than I’ve been to you, I think. I’m sorry for that, too.”

_ “Your apology is not necessary, but it is appreciated.” _

“ _ As _ your friend, I’m telling you the apology  _ was _ necessary. But we can agree to disagree on that.”

_ “This is an acceptable solution.” _

“Good.” Silla leaned back against Vetra and let her draw her in again. Nothing about the situation had changed, but the awful tension in her chest had eased.

Vetra felt her relax and leaned forward to see her face a little better. “You going to be okay?”

Silla gave her a little nudge. “Thanks to you and SAM.” She let out a long sigh. “But believe it or not, that’s only half of it. Or, well. Maybe ninety percent.” And she told her about the rest of her father’s locked messages, the ominous threat that had been looming over their home. Vetra allowed Silla to take her hand and lead her over to the console. Silla watched Vetra’s face as they listened to the fragmented recordings and the logs from Dr. T’soni, saw the wave of disbelief and alarm sweep over her at the distress call from Palaven. They stood together in silence when the last message dissolved into static and silence. 

“Wow.”

“Yeah.” Silla slowly ran her thumb back and forth over Vetra’s knuckles. “This part...I haven’t told Thad yet.”

“I feel like we need to do something,” Vetra said hollowly. 

“I know.” She shook her head ruefully. “But whatever was happening...it’s been over for six hundred years.”

“How long have you known about this?”

One shoulder lifted in a half-hearted shrug. “I’ve been getting bits and pieces for a while now. I knew  _ something _ had happened, but only heard these - ” She waved her hand at the console, indicating the most recent messages. “ - a couple days ago. I don't know if I'm going to tell anyone else. All it'll do is make people afraid about something that's over and done with, and out of their control. Maybe I shouldn’t even have told you. I don’t mean to burden you with this.”

“I'm glad you told me.” Vetra’s hand descended on her shoulder, heavy, sharp-edged, and comforting. “Nothing about you could ever be a burden.”

Silla covered Vetra’s hand with her own, then lifted herself up on her toes while pulling on the front of Vetra’s jacket so she could press a soft kiss to her mandible. They walked back to the bed without another word and curled up together once more. The size difference between the two of them was a source of delight (and teasing) for Sid and Thad, but Silla was glad for Vetra’s stature at times like this, when she could hold on to her and hide in her solid, warm embrace.

“We might be it,” Vetra said after a moment, voice thrumming beneath her keel. “We might be all that’s left of our galaxy. This was a one-way trip, but...some part of me has been counting on knowing our home is still there.”

“I know what you mean. But after all this time, there’s no guarantee that our civilization would still be there anyway. Or that anybody would still remember us, outside of a footnote in history.”

“Except for the asari. And the krogan.”

Silla huffed a laugh. “Except for them.” She reached for Vetra’s hand and slotted their fingers together. “Guess we’ll just have to make what we have here count.”

Vetra’s expression was as soft and warm as Silla had ever seen it as she leaned down to press their brows together. “Guess we will.”


End file.
